Your Calendar's Receipt is Your Ticket to Impending Death

Tomorrow, Puck from A midsummer Night's Dream is bringing Plums soaked in Japanese Wine and a Recorder. And some more booze, of course. And my arm wrestling arms (Mike never told me that I go over the top with arm wrestling too much). A Flashy Shirt and a few oompa loompas to sing stern warnings after a fat kid falls into a Chocolate Fountain.

What are YOU bringing?

Happy birthday anzarokku!

Be the star you are!

It's Intuitively Obvious to Even the Most Casual Observer

A lot of people were complaining this year about advertising and commercials taking the religious meaning out of these holidays by not using the word "christmas" and other things. Ordinarily I would agree with said people, because I hate when things are watered down to please as many people as possible. But they have it wrong on the main point. There is no religious meaning to these holidays anymore. There hasn't been for decades, and I don't think there ever was. The meaning was lost, and here's how it happened. The American way is to adopt the traditions of other cultures, but only the good stuff, the meat. The bones are discarded like so many KFC leftovers. Just as you won't see fortune cookies in China, and the French wouldn't be caught dead eating a croissanwich, many of the things that are american favorites from "other cultures" owe little or nothing to the culture they supposedly came from. This is the same way it worked with Christmas. We took the meat: the gifts, the gatherings, the celebrations, and left the bones: the religious aspects. Which I think is the right thing to do. I did not celebrate the birth of Christ on christmas. What I did celebrate was a time to gather with friends and family and an exchange of gifts. These ideas of fellowship, charity, peace, and family are much more universal and easier to accept than virgin birth and the son of god among men. Thus it makes only too much sense that those should be the ideas that are celebrated and emphasized, not religious ideas that are divisive by their very nature. I hope you all had good holidays. Mine were not so good, but just as he won't get credit for a good holiday, I don't blame Jesus for my somewhat shitty holiday

El Jason v. The Coyote

In Street Fighter (I think), the bosses keep getting larger and bigger and stronger. So, too, do the Coyotes that my super dog, Duke, and I lay the smack down on. I don't know if any of you people are capable of self-less love (ahem, jerking off in line at DisneyWolrd), but my heart beats strong enough for two when my dog gets into trouble. With only extra adrenaline, a flashlight, and my favorite slippers, I ran outside through the snow at midnight on Christmas Eve - the same time Andy was being shafted by St. Nick - right at a Coyote that easily matched my dog in size. There is much to be said for the Rebel Yell when one charges at the enemy despite fear of loss of limb. A little bit of the Old South rose in me that night when I bluffed my hand, a hand, that at most, could have attacked with snowballs.

Eat shit and die St. Nick.

Christmas is over and we got the shaft in K-town. Santa didn't show up even though we installed the appropriate lure, a Christmas tree. At first I thought we were both just bad, but if that were true we should have at least gotten some coal. Then I figured that Santa didn't know our new address because of the recent move, but that's bullshit. I filled out one of those change of address cards.



Everyone read Chris Elliot's novel The Shroud of the Thwacker. It is funny and you need to buy it, I can't lend you mine(I need to personally get this motherfucker to bestseller status post haste.

If you love christmas so much, why don't you merry it.

It's a banner year for things close to my ass. I recieved two pairs of pants and plan on using any giftcards to purchase more. What did you like best about this christmas?

No matter how far you run, you'll always be stupid

Today in the mail my mother received a letter from the state of Georgia. As it turns out my brother was arrested for possession of marijuana back in October but was released two days later and his license was suspended.

"The herein suspension is ordered in accordance with the provision of Georgia Law 40-5-75, and because of your arrest and disposition received for the offense of a controlled substance or marijuana."

Two days, ONLY two days! I wonder if they even did a background check because I know that there's warrents out for his arrest in both Illinois and Wisconsin. I'm just glad I don't talk to him or ever have to see him. I hear from my sister is that whenever he calls her all he talks about is what drug he's on at the moment. I'm waiting for the day when we receive a letter saying that that piece of shit is dead. Oh and Merry Christmas everyone!

And to think, for all this time...

And to think, for all this time we were spreading a fallacy. We were bashing Captain Morgan rum because Captain Morgan wasn't real, and praising Admiral Nelson rum because he was. Well it turns out Morgan was real too. He may not have been all of the hero Nelson was, but he was knighted by the Queen of England.

Somebody slipped a mickey in my Carnation Instant Breakfast!

Guess what I got for Christmas! Laid Off! I am the happiest boy in the world! If you need me I'll be drunk.

*Added bonus* "what happened in florida" a collection of photos. (reader beware, you may need to take your balls out of your purse for these)






I am the lizard king, I can do anything.

Shave the Whales

The gauntlets are being thrown down. I'm challenging all of the contributors to IR to not shave for one month. So I would suggest that you all take your balls out of your purses and accept. I don't want nothing shaved, so for our female contributor this means the legs. After one month we will compare and see who has the best. Oh and back hair doesn't count...goddamn Italians o (>.<) O

The only reason why I'm doing this is because I left my shaver in my dorm room and I'm too lazy to go out and buy a razor.

I'm glad things are back to normal

It happened tonight, or this morning, in the kitchen. None of us are sure how, but it did. And right now Andy is using his homemade first aid kit and all of the medical knowledge of the 1920s to treat it. I'm so glad that things are back to normal here. I still don't understand how the blood got on his mouth. But he was drunk, and I'm drunk. Good times

I will spend tomorrow regretting tonight.

I went to Florida. The work went well. I have pictures of a lizard that died in a stairwell before we arrived and his remains ...uh remained there after our departure. Just not today.

I was forced to go to Walt Disney World despite every single one of my protests against it. I cannot possibly briefly describe how much I hate Disney World with special attention paid to every necessary topic of disgust so I'll only post three main points that will likely illustrate it for you and hopefully convince you to never go.

1. It is EXACTLY what you think it is if you try to imagine it. Only less beautiful and probably more hokey. Hard to fathom? Most of you have been to six flags so think of waiting in a long line to ride batman, but instead of riding batman at the end of your wait think of watching some shitty animatronic puppet telling you about the wonders of living under the sea.

2. Any fun or entertainment is completely washed away by the fact that every single thing there must be appropriate for 2 year olds, 165 year olds and everyone in between. Family wholesomeness makes something like the TOWER OF TERROR about as exciting as sitting down to dinner by yourself. (I rode ye olde towre but I will never admit it in court) Everything there is so bland I had to invent ways to hate it. I had ample time because of all the idle waiting we had to endure.

3. I was caught jerking off in three of the four parks. Try to guess which ones and bonus points for what attractions.

It may be too late for this, but this is the quickest I could contact the lot of you. As much as I have grown to hate christmas I thought our crew should have a gift exchange, but with a catch(there is always a catch(I learned about them in florida)). Our gift exchange should be dangerous! You can interpret this as you like, my own thought process was everyone gets a hazardous gift! Imagine the joy of getting some DU under the tree or possibly getting a delivery from a HAZ-MAT truck! I for one would forever cherish the claymore mine I got for christmas AND put me in the hospital that very day!

At least I'm Trying

At least I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit. Behold! My XMas hair!

I love using holidays as a way to exploit the system with alternative hairstyles at work. They might never allow green if it wasn't christmas time. If you want to see video chronicling my hair transition, just use my silly little briefcase link and find it. I'm not going to post the same link over and over again.

I wanna roll you up into my life......

Hello everyone. This is the king. Not just any king, mind you, the King of All Cosmos. We have a special treat for you today. Last friday one of our fans threw a party. A rolling party. A party that rolled. Here is just a taste of that rolling(click the katamari filename in my folder.) http://briefcase.yahoo.com/rcrespo@sbcglobal.net
!!!!Large Filesize Warning!!! The movie linked to above is > 10MB.

You all get to beta test!!

Before I unleash my semester project on my professor, you guys get to test it! Oh boy, I bet you always wanted to be part of the software development process. Anyway here goes. My apologies for the non-working link before. http://briefcase.yahoo.com/rcrespo@sbcglobal.net. It's a black jack game I made in visual studio.NET with my own brain. Enjoy!

***REMINDER*** Party here, 10pm, friday. Be ready to roll, as it is katamari damacy themed. Or just be ready to drink.

The dichotomy of me

Katamari Damacy theme party 10pm - ????(I have a futon) friday night. IM me or a fellow IR member for location and directions(or possible carpool.) Unless you like whiskey(probably scotch but maybe bourbon) it is also BYOB. But that is not the point of this post.

While in the shower today I started thinking about how others see me. Then I started compiling a list in my head of some of the things that other people have said about me. Here is the list:

Positive things that have been said(ranked by approximate frequency of me hearing them)

1. Awesome
2. Smart
3. Crazy
4. Random
5. Nice

Negative things that have been said

1. Mean
2. Insensitive
3. Predictable
4. Dense
5. Crazy

Note that these include any synonyms. I listed crazy on both because sometimes it comes out as a compliment, other times as a complaint. What I find most interesting about this list is that on careful examination, each word on the positive list has its opposite on the negative list. Which means that at different points in my life I have been, at least in the eyes of others, two completely different things. Does this mean I have some kind of problem? Probably, considering that the only consistency in the list seems to be my craziness. Well that's all for today. I'm sure after this post I will receive plenty of feedback on things I have forgotten to list, especially in the negative column.

My first paranoid delusion

Thursday, just as I had turned the light off to go to bed, I got the strangest feeling. Someone was in the room watching me. I looked out the door to my room and saw nothing, of course. I still got up and shut my door though. I went back to bed. Moments later the feeling came again. Someone, or something, was watching me from a few feet away on the side of my bed. If I looked into the darkness my eyes sort of began to see the outline of a figure. I was terrified out of my mind. I couldn't sleep, until I turned the light on. Still, I'm not proud to say that as a grown man I was forced to sleep with the light on.
I think being all alone in this huge apartment is starting to make me crazy. Even now, as I type this, I keep glancing over my shoulder and across the hall into the bathroom mirror. I keep expecting to see something in it. I think I have an obsession with orderliness. Today at woodman's I arranged all my groceries so that the clerk would be able to scan them faster. When I came home I put the groceries into my freezer in a definite pattern, and moved things in my refrigerator so I could get a similar pattern with my drinks. So Friday's party will be katamari themed, but it will also be a farewell to my sanity party.

I feel the cosmos!

My katamari damacy themed party has been postponed til next weekend. It rolls better that way for several reasons. First, I have the weekend off next week. Second, it gives me more time to prepare. Third, it means more people should be able to show. So now the decision is in your hands. It can happen either thursday, friday, or saturday night next week. Roll your minds together and help decide on a date. I can guarantee that there will be at least one katamari themed party game to look forward to. And possibly hats. And definitely booze(byob unless you like whiskey.) I'm still waiting to hear from Hangley Joe, the man who first brought this game to us, and logically a shoo-in to win at any games. Now I have to roll into bed.