Happy Billthday

Today is CP's birthday. He turns twenty threeve. He's probably taking a nap, man does that guy know how to celebrate. I'd go buy a cake but I think a pillow would be more appropriate.

Earlier today I cut the buffalo out of a buffalo nickel. If you want it you can have it.

[Dave is screaming and running around the world and comes across some polar bears fishing]
Dave: AHHHHHHHHH!
Polar Bear 1: What was that?
Polar Bear 2: If it ain't fish, I ain't interested, that's my motto.

You call that news?

Today my former union, the United Food and Commercial Union, split from the American Federation of Labor/Congress of Industrial Organizers following in the footsteps of the Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners, the Teamsters, and the Service Employees Industrial Union. I was a strong advocate of this when I was a member. Hopefully everything works out for the best.

The real (and completely unrelated) news is that David Brown stepped down from the illustrious position as the host of Marketplace Friday night. He will be replaced by Kai Ryssdal(depicted here as a squirrel). Coupled with This American Life possibly becoming a television show on Showtime and A Prairie Home Companion becoming a movie has all members of the NPRmy (me) writhing in confusion and anticipation. Radio on the big and small screen? Guaranteed Kai Ryssdal every night? Will it work? Will the world as I know it fall apart? Will Diane Rehm have sex with one of her guests? Will Gwen Macsai drop her husband and kids for me(fuck I love RE:Sound)? Where the fuck has Nina Gross been this past month? Does Abby Ryan work 14 hour days? Will Lakshmi Singh be able to keep us up to date? How many beers will it take me to complete this post? The world is waiting to know.

BONUS LINK: Webkomicking Robert Siegal

Bio-diesel or Bust without any real Loses

Bill, if you're serious, I mean really serious, about bio-diesel, listen up to what I have to say. We, that's right partner, we, can get a loan of up to 3,000 HOURS (more than $30,000) in Ithaca, NY interest free to start our bio-diesel business there. And if we fail, I mean completely frick up everything and can't repay the loan, who the frick cares. Our loan will be backed by other users of HOURS believing we tried our best. The town doesn't lose anything either because the currency is controlled similarly to the Chinese method so there is no tragedy of the commons to worry about. I'm taking a drive out to Ithaca the second weekend of September for three reasons that I have no reason to go into here. Wanna come along? Meg is in.


The word Frick, also used as Fricken and Fricked, comes from Henry Clay Frick. He was Andrew Carnegie's right hand man who called in the national guard to kill steel mill strikers in Homestead, PA. Carnegie was compliant with this while 3000 miles away in his castle in Scotland. What fricken assholes they were. I advocate using frick in place of fuck and then telling this story to people you say frick to.

Super Hero

I'm the one
Everybody's waiting for
Scream for me
A romantic modern hero
They need a hero
Somebody they can look up to


I'm a super hero
I'm a super hero
I'm a super hero
And a hero of today
Yeah


Everyone
Wishes they can be like me
Smart and cool
Handsome wealthy and so sexy
They need a hero
Somebody who is just like me

*repeat*

Live.Love.Burn.Die

No matter how old you are, it sucks when your parents get a divorce. Just when I thought they had begun to work things out, I get a call from my mother. And it gets worse. She also told me my great-grandma Carlson died. So I get to attend a wake today and talk to my mom about difficult things, and probably watch her cry. There was other bad news yesterday but there is already too much bad news for one post. For some reason I can't stop thinking about what one of my high school history teachers once said. It concerned the marine corps motto, Semper Fi. He said that it was a good motto, not just for marines, but for everyone to follow. I think he was right.

Insight

I'm at work... I have access to the internet and a decent computer. I can't help but try to break the limits which have been set by others so I decided on a new way of thinking for myself. Feel free to adopt it (if you really care to) and let it mold you into a better person(s):

When told to Think outside the box one day, it struck me.... There is no box.

You stupid dumbshit goddamn motherfucker

Warped tour'05 was pretty awesome. We got to see some pretty awesome bands perform live. Atreyu rocked hard. My Chemical Romance was a disappointment, with sound problems rendering them somewhat lame. By far the highlight of the tour was The Offspring. They put on one hell of a show. They played some of their classic tunes, and some of their newer material. It was hellafied awesome. They also drew the biggest crowd out of any of the bands I heard. And to whoever put the antenna topper on my car, thank you. That was a very unexpected surprise when I got to my car after the show. But why my car? I guess some things just have to go unanswered. Well, time to sign off. I await the comments in which you trash the offspring. I would say in which you trash mcr and atreyu, but that already happened.

This Things I Believe

Gas prices are high - eat less meat
There's a drought - eat less meat
My arteries are clogged - eat less meat
The animals are revolting - run for yer lives

Because of my Jewish mother and Islamic father, I've given up pork and moo (and poultry and fish and my favorite, crustacians - hell, I won't even read Animal Farm). I'm doing this (except for the fish) for bio-diesel and environmental reasons. Old MacDonald's reign of terror needs to stop. Deep-fried bacon was a lot of fun and good eats. Anyway, if anyone wants statistics backing up how meat is a misuse of resources, I'll comply.

The official sport of the religious right.

I have come to the conclusion that Wario Ware is most likely the greatest game franchise ever. The newest installment for the DS is amazingly superb! You have to use the little stick thingy to play the hoards of mini-games and sometimes you have to blow into the microphone to clear the leaves or shoot fire! Right now I want to hook up, whip, chisel, bring him home, clear the leaves, catch, finish, cut in half, erase, paint, match, pay attention and otherwise complete the manifold of necessary tasks that make Wario Ware Inc. run like the well oiled machine it is. My brother owns the optimal setup(one DS, one copy of Wario Ware). I may steal it from him.

I have another grand tip for you webcomicers. Write your comic in Old English, that shit is hot.

The chainsaw juggler. It proves that god hates us all.

Trout fishing in America is the worst band ever.

And all the guilt will follow you in a line... There's tension in this room.

The rumor mill says that my band broke up and I have been challenged in my webkomiking in the same day(yesterday, I was sleeping). I choose to address these topics carefully, separately and with all the social grace allowed to a caveman-cowboy-retard such as myself.

To the band breaking up without me knowing about it(or even really starting up) I can only say: WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME! NOTHING! I may consider the reunion tour after an INTENSE session of apologetic bribery.

Concerning all matters of webcomics I concede. In fact I deflected the challenge from myself to matchgame, so expect any competitive response from me to be answered by him. I will however offer a bit of advice.

• Make a difficult deadline to finish by. i.e. 10 minutes or less. I assure you I spent less time on mine.
  
• Don't start off with an Idea, approach the comic with a clear head. Possibly drunk.
  
• Start smoking(I got paid $4 to say that)
  
• Base your comic off of either dinosaurs(because they are awesome) or state boundaries(POLITICAL FICTION, but they are easy to draw and remember(the western states anyways))
  

I think you should also give me money.

I don't know what's real anymore

This past weekend me, CP, and the hewk +1 had the honor of going to Jared Haedt's house for one of his party's. The party itself was really lame, a total sausage party so you couldn't help but feel a bit awkward. The entire time we probably saw Jared maybe 2 or 3 times at about a min. for each visit, he was too busy making noises elsewhere. All this means is that he was too busy to tell us any of his lies, which I was looking forward to and was one of the reasons why I went. The night wasn't an entire bust. I think the highlight happened at about 5 minutes into it. We were all upstairs in the kitchen eating pizza when a man, probably in his late 30's to early 40's, in a business suit came up from the basement asking where Jared was. I pointed towards the outside and he was barely out the door when we all started laughing our asses off. We came to the conclusion that he was Jared's party accountant. Wait, I take that back....the best part of the night was when we got ice cream at 31 flavors...yeah, that was great.

Everything was closed at Coney Island

The dialog box popped up. "New updates have been installed. Do you want to restart your computer now or restart later?" It asked me, as I was in the middle of reading my comics. Suddenly CP's words echoed in my head. "Whenever there's a new update, they have to rewrite the whole thing." He had told me this when he gave me the windows xp cd. And what was this on my screen? A new update. It was too late now. So once again I mysteriously disappear from the internets for a few days. Back now, with a lesson learned. CP, like Andy, is always right. And speaking of disappearing, I'll be pulling a disappearing act of sorts for the next few days. I'll be house sitting for my mom in beautiful Winthrop Harbor(Yes, Andy and I once lived in the same town for those who may not know us and are connecting the dots). Unfortunately they only have dial-up internet, so no blogging for a bit. But all is not lost. They do have cable television, so I can watch my precious history, science, and national geographic channels. On the plus side it may mean I can visit some of my FIB friends this week.

I just want you to know, that you are somewhat in the back of my mind.

This post comes from Winthrop Harbor as I watch my grandpa's house for the next 1 and 1/2 days. I hate Illinois. It pains me to be here. Also I work Sunday(not you anzarokku)(I was really hoping for that 6 day work week). There is nothing more to say, Fuck off.

Happy Bastille Day!

Celebrate in style.


I see the rabbit finally. Any hint of a guy smiling?


Now I see a defiant woman holding a pipe wrench.

Our nation's values are fucked

A recent discovery channel poll had viewers choosing Ronald Reagan as the greatest american ever. Excuse me? Ronald Reagan? What did he do that made him so great? Creating three of our biggest enemies in Iraq , Iran, and Afghanistan? Tripling the deficit? Even the things he did right with his presidency don't stack up. Let's look at the man who was voted 2nd to him: Abraham Lincoln. He ended human slavery in America and kept our nation from splitting apart from civil war. Let me just say that again. HE ENDED HUMAN SLAVERY AND WON THE CIVIL WAR. How can anything, anything, that anyone else EVER does as a president possibly be more important to our country than that? If Reagan is the greatest american, I'd rather be Canadian. In other political news, Chief Justice William Rehnquist was hospitalized. But I'm sure you all knew that already. He is ill with cancer. That means we are likely looking at two, thats two, supreme court nominations from Bush. Scary isn't it? Better burn your flags, watch your offensive television, marry a same-sex partner*, and get your abortions now, because pretty soon all of that will be illegal.




*Massachusets and Vermont residents only

It's not my body or how I choose to destroy it.

I have spent my lifetime wondering what is wrong with everyone. How come I always hear about the "Man in the Moon" as a smiling jovial figure when he is most definitely screaming in anguish. I also read that most Asian countries see a rabbit instead of any man at all. My screaming man has well defined cheek bones, lower lip, eyebrows and a proper chin. Why is the man on the moon screaming out in pain? Nobody knows. My theory is the lack of atmosphere. My theory also explains why nobody can hear the man screaming his lungs out.

"Constant talk about Scientology has momentarily shifted media attention from other nonsensical religious cult, Evangelical Christianity."

I have been suckered.

Dave is like Jesus. If Jesus was metal, owned a Bob Villa lawn mower and banged hot chicks at a carnival beer tent.

Maybe you can owe me.

The idea of a webcomic should not include me in any way, shape or form. Provided is an example of how my own inaptitude and ignorance should keep me from any project that I will most likely run into the ground. At any rate consider this submission my "throwing my hat into the ring". Don't assume with the proper writing and dictation any project could be salvageable from this mess of mspaint. I don't take orders well and will just pervert any script or suggestion to fit my crooked hatred of deadlines and webcomics. Also I don't think I can draw anything anymore. I think that this is my first attempt since drawing dinosaurs and states while working at the pig. If anything you should requisition Kaicho in all his drawing prowess(this includes all tattoo ideas).

The Fiery Furnaces have a sweet new website. They are currently not touring but let it be known that I would kill any of you for the chance to see them live. They were at Coachella this year and I pray they are there next year. If they are expect me to be rocking out in California.

Grass stained and drunk on the ground.

Can everyone remember a time before the United States of America outsourcing everything? It's pathetic, even our terror comes from a foreign supplier. I can remember when terrorists were high-quality ex-marines. Now the closest thing to home grown terror is coming from Abby Ryan faking a voice on NPR along with her shadowy traffic organization known only as Shadow Traffic. Now we get our terror from the middle east with these cheap disposable terrorists. If you kill yourself during the attack how are you to perpetrate another? The days of the big name all star terrorist are over. I hope some proud soldier blows up a building or shoots up a school to reclaim an American superiority in the business of killing other Americans. If you don't blow up a bus and just spend your time waiting for someone to cross the border to do it for you, the foreign terrorists have won.

More on political fiction after I eat some tacos. If I don't get some tacos, the terrorists have won.

EDIT: I bought a sandwich instead. I am sorry to let everyone down(except the terrorists, I let them win).

New Job

I got a new job, goodbye Kohl's. Goodbye retail. Yay. Admin privs have been suspended across the board, love love love.

Google Translator Theater

As most of you know I write e-mails to this girl in Japan. I write her in English and she writes me in Japanese, a sort of trade off to help each other learn the language better. Well I thought it would be fun to put some of her messages through the google translator and let ya'll read em. If you want I can make this a weekly thing, just a thought. Well here's the first one:

Hi ブランドン. " The WAR OF THE WORLDS " っ て cTom CRUISE coming out, the る person? It was funny? In the ブランドン my personal computer video sending, thank you for! So the あ it is to do, view one not being well recognized, it is not seen yet. Therefore don't you think? in the tomorrow personal computer being effective in the detailed person, you try seeing. Don't you think? so when so the photograph it is late, you send. So recently a little more thickly the っ ち ゃ っ it is high and others... (laughing. Because this week Tokyo it goes, that time the photograph taking, when you can send, don't you think? you send. The あ it is to do, therefore the personal computer or the camera or machine weak point, to tell the truth method of sending is not recognized the Imai ち. So the け we would like to be being, when it is good it can come off, you send, - (the ^o^) Aiko

Who is this I see, walking around 3, in the am?

Terrorists attacked London. What's next, Canada? Bah. Natural gas has returned to the apartment, but plans for the exodus are still under way. The more I think about it the more I want to attempt to make a webcomic. Many people I know on this blog have toyed around with the idea of doing one, I say we make it a reality! Nothing else new, really. Bought Ren & Stimpy Season 3 and 4. Some of the best episodes are on there. Saw Land of the Dead. It was awesome. One of my dreams is to be a zombie in a zombie movie. I think that would be such an honor.

Chapter 2

Fragmented memories scattered the walls of the Turkish prison. A scumlord could have done better than this place.
"Why do we all think that we should be happy?" The prison wall asked.
"Why not? It's a short, hard life." I replied. That seemed an appropiate response from a man in a Turkish prison. The cell was so barren of any luxuries other than the memories that I swore the Turks were Puritans. But I dare not write that on the walls. Instead I wrote it on a note and slipped it in the pocket of my sleeping house guest. He moved and crossed his legs. A long, thin thigh was exposed. But I had to get out of there before Karlo returned. I packed his grey pants and white shirts and glanced at his hair. As I went up the stairs I thought about waking him up. But he would have went right on sleeping; fantasizing about Gloria. I left the two kids sleeping in their cribs. "They should be happy," I thought. Gloria would care for them, show them off, if she ever found time away from her watercolors.

I went into the den and returned with my mind on Karlo.

(The story picks up from here next week)

The millionaires have bought this town and changed everything.

I neglected to mention that my hair is now cut. No more "unemployed drummer hair" for me. It is short as you can make it.

With killer stares and sideways frowns...

Happy United States of America's Independence from British Imperialism day. I hope everyone celebrates appropriately. And by appropriately I mean with alcohol and gunpowder (The only way I celebrate anything). Let me digress, this post is about sleep-walking.

Earlier this weekend I woke up in someone's laundry room. Without any reason to be there or even a plausible explanation as to how I got there. Now, everyone is thinking "That's damned embarrassing!" and for a period of time I thought so too. BUT if memory serves me right, I have woke up/been lead off of much worse places to sleep. I have been coaxed out of cars, off decks, driveways, lawns, other people's beds, hallways, bathrooms, kitchens the list goes on and on. I blame this on an ever persuasive gene pool I got from my father's father's father. From my great-grandfather on down I have inherited an ability to sleep just about anywhere. This includes being stone cold sober. Now mix this with a family history of sleep talkers(my father and myself) with a history of sleep-walkers(my mother and 2 of her brothers) and we get this horrible mix that allows me to be anywhere at any point and I can sleep there. Add this with a delusion that I can survive anything with just a hint of strong disregard for my own life functions and you get! A career-oriented failure your mother is stepping over to get to the washing machine. This is the German gene. Although this makes up a very small percentage of my heritage it is increasingly obstinant. Stupid fucking non-white citizens. Oh how I long for the day when you could consider everything except for Anglos non-whites. It made racism much easier.

Blackouts are a bitch. Now I have two things to strive for; don't black out crossing a street and don't black out in your friend's basement.